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I’ve been out-Freuded, and like Harry when he and Voldy go wand to wand, my powers have backfired on me. My hands are shaking, my bowel movements are irregular, my virility has been sapped. What happened, you ask, my dear, committed readers? The blame lies at the feet of Astronauts, etc.

Two days ago, I was at home, the ferret wrapped around my neck, a fernet and coke in hand, listening to the new Astronauts, etc. song “I Know.” And it was just too easy for an analyst like me, you know? Too clear, too obvious. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t chuckle into my goatee. The song was naturally and inevitably, an ode to the impossible dream of a second childhood.

Wanting to take a walk, check. A wordless chorus, evoking pre-speech emotions, check. A murmuring cacophonic bridge simulating in utero squelchy-ness, check.

I took another sip of fernet and began to compose my analysis. But then that line, the one about taking a walk, it…it…made me think something was wrong. Why did I want to take a walk?! Did I have Rickets? And I wanted to be held tight, too…

At that point, I was sobbing, snotting all over that ferret. The song title said it all: Anthony Ferraro, the front man of Astronauts, etc., he knew.

But how did he know that ferret love just wasn’t enough, that it wasn’t what it used to be? My god, their arms just aren’t long enough to hold me tight. God, it hurts. I’m devastated beyond comprehension, beyond my own analysis.

Astronauts, etc. I beg you, what can I do? What analysis can you offer? You are my only hope.

Listen to Astronauts, etc.’s “I Know” below. And god save the queen.