French Cassettes

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It doesn’t take a Francophile to know that the French Cassettes aren’t French. That makes them liars. If you want proof, look no further than the title of their song “Teeth for Talking.” I’ve lived in France, I’ve eaten their cheese, I’ve been sneered at by their hipsters, and I will not let you take their name in vain. Seriously, we all took biology. We all know that you use your tongue to talk, not the Chiclets in the front of your face. Deception may be your game, American Cassettes, but I’m a pro, and I am going to get to the bottom of this song, no matter how much you try to throw me off with your disconcertingly catchy melodies and perfect guitar riffs.

In the opening verse, front man Scotty Huerta talks about someone who “barely stands.” Is it the shrunken piece of shit kid from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? We can’t rule it out. But then he adds, “You can’t make a fist when you’ve got woven hands,” like he’s Bill Nye or some shit. OK, it’s not the chocolate freak, so who is it?

“Use your teeth for talking, not for blocking words you’re scared to say,” Scott Bill Nye advises. Wait, who doesn’t have real hands, but needs to talk? OMG.

No, ferreal, OMG.

Scott is talking about a ventriloquist doll. He’s channeling his own angst and fear of having too nice hair through a ventriloquist doll.

“We’re lonely lately,” he sings later, which is just plain fucking creepy. We? Wait, he and his dummy are 'We' now? Homie, get some friends. You don’t have to be a professional analyst to know this guy should really get out more (see above photo). Below are a list of spots where you should go to meet people, Scott. You’re welcome.

Listen to "Teeth for Talking" below:

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